Last Sunday was my friend’s birthday so we watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty on Saturday. Makes a lot of sense, I know. But we have our reasons.
So, as is a very bad habit, I made a list of life lessons. They were supposed to be funny, but then I had a headache so, as Kaitlyn pointed out, some of them really just weren’t.
It’s also a really long list. Mostly about wallet etiquette.
1. If you’re in love with someone, don’t talk to them. Make an account on eHarmony and wink at them.
2. If you lose a picture, go to Greenland.
3. Greenland is a great place to find a thumb.
4. Don’t cheat on your lady if you live on an island that only has 8 people on it.
5. It’s okay to fly in a helicopter with a drunk pilot if the woman you love sings to you first.
6. It’s not a porpoise. It’s never a porpoise.
7. If you’re going to be eaten by a shark, smack it in the face with your briefcase.
8. If there’s only one bike, you’d better be a really fast runner.
9. Don’t wreck the bike you just ran for into a sign; you’ll just have to run again.
10. Always carry a Stretch Armstrong with you so you can trade it for a long board when you get tired of running.
11. Apparently, long boarding is the best way to get around Iceland.
12. You can’t actually outrun a volcano. And The Eagles don’t usually come to swoop you to safety. It’s mostly just guys in funny, little cars.
13. Papa Johns is everywhere. Even in Iceland.
14. Even after you’ve been fired, protect your fern from the evil moving people.
15. If her ex answers the door, don’t assume. It’ll make things more painful for you. He may only be there to fix the fridge.
16. Don’t throw away your wallet.
17. If you’re ever looking for someone, he was probably in your house a week ago.
18. Don’t zone out. You’ll miss vital information.
19. If you need warlords on your side, take cake.
20. Make good oxygen choices.
21. The missing photo will be in the wallet. That’s why you shouldn’t throw it away.
22. Your hero’s still a human.
23. If you ever need to find someone, ask your mom.
24. Don’t forget your fife in your back pocket when you go through airport security.
25. Life is best discussed over Cinnabon. Or just, you know, food.
26. Sometimes it’s good to have a hoarder for a mom. She might save the wallet you threw away.
27. When everything seems like it’s over and the love of your life is lost, make sure you run after her when you see her on the escalator. It’s not like you’ve got anything to lose.
28. If your sister gets the part of Rizzo in Grease, use it to ask out the love of your life.
29. Just hold her hand.
Bonus quote: “Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”