More Life Lessons: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Last Sunday was my friend’s birthday so we watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty on Saturday. Makes a lot of sense, I know. But we have our reasons.

So, as is a very bad habit, I made a list of life lessons. They were supposed to be funny, but then I had a headache so, as Kaitlyn pointed out, some of them really just weren’t.

It’s also a really long list. Mostly about wallet etiquette.

1. If you’re in love with someone, don’t talk to them. Make an account on eHarmony and wink at them.

2. If you lose a picture, go to Greenland.

3. Greenland is a great place to find a thumb.

4. Don’t cheat on your lady if you live on an island that only has 8 people on it.

5. It’s okay to fly in a helicopter with a drunk pilot if the woman you love sings to you first.

6. It’s not a porpoise. It’s never a porpoise.

7. If you’re going to be eaten by a shark, smack it in the face with your briefcase.

8. If there’s only one bike, you’d better be a really fast runner.

9. Don’t wreck the bike you just ran for into a sign; you’ll just have to run again.

10. Always carry a Stretch Armstrong with you so you can trade it for a long board when you get tired of running.

11. Apparently, long boarding is the best way to get around Iceland.

12. You can’t actually outrun a volcano. And The Eagles don’t usually come to swoop you to safety. It’s mostly just guys in funny, little cars.

13. Papa Johns is everywhere. Even in Iceland.

14. Even after you’ve been fired, protect your fern from the evil moving people.

15. If her ex answers the door, don’t assume. It’ll make things more painful for you. He may only be there to fix the fridge.

16. Don’t throw away your wallet.

17. If you’re ever looking for someone, he was probably in your house a week ago.

18. Don’t zone out. You’ll miss vital information.

19. If you need warlords on your side, take cake.

20. Make good oxygen choices.

21. The missing photo will be in the wallet. That’s why you shouldn’t throw it away.

22. Your hero’s still a human.

23. If you ever need to find someone, ask your mom.

24. Don’t forget your fife in your back pocket when you go through airport security.

25. Life is best discussed over Cinnabon. Or just, you know, food.

26. Sometimes it’s good to have a hoarder for a mom. She might save the wallet you threw away.

27. When everything seems like it’s over and the love of your life is lost, make sure you run after her when you see her on the escalator. It’s not like you’ve got anything to lose.

28. If your sister gets the part of Rizzo in Grease, use it to ask out the love of your life.

29. Just hold her hand.

Bonus quote: “Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”

How to Make Him Love You: Advice from A Walk to Remember

Just throwing this out there – I really don’t like A Walk to Remember. At all.

But I do feel like it has some valuable advice to offer, most specifically about love*.

1. Wear overalls.

2. Tell him to make sure he doesn’t fall in love with you.

3. Walk in cemeteries in the middle of the night.

4. Blind him with your flashlight at every opportunity.

5. Build a telescope.

6. Pretend to be an exotic dancer (It works best if you do it because you’re in a play).

7. Sing a pretty song and wear a pretty dress and don’t be stupid.

8. Read ALL THE BOOKS.

9. Call him on his crap.

10. Keep saying, “Prove it.”

11. Tell him “no” when he tells you he loves you.

12. Give him a tape of old school Christian music (preferably Jars of Clay).

13. Be handily sitting on your porch when he comes over to bring you a sweater.

14. Get bullied in the lunch room and just happen to slam into him when you turn to run away. (If you don’t have a lunch room, I guess you can use the break room at work.)

15. Be not allowed to date.

16. When you are allowed to go on a date with him, convince him to dance when no one else is except really old people. Even after he tells you he can’t dance.

17. Let him step on your toe.

18. Have a list and don’t tell him what #1 is.

19. Tell him he can do anything while staring at him with a really creepy stare.

20. Have a beautiful shoulder (you only need one) that you bare to him when he asks where you want your tattoo.

21. If he decides he wants to stroke it (like a super creep) don’t smack that hand away.

22. Stare deeply into his eyes.

23. Hold his hand.

24. Keep talking to him about God.

25. Tell him you might be bad at kissing before he kisses you.

26. Don’t ever tell him you love him too. Instead, keep reminding him that you told him not to fall in love you.

27. And, above all, if you ever want to have any hope of making him love you, have leukemia.

*I swear I don’t really feel that way. I really think it’s stupid and pointless and only exists because Whats-his-face (Nicholas Sparks?) wasn’t loved enough as a child.

Life Advice from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

“Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” is a musical. That means they do things like randomly break into song to deal with their emotions and dance sadly and love-sickly with axes.

I watched it again last night with people I like a lot, and as has recently become my habit, I plumbed it for deep and intricate life lessons.

These are the things I learned:

1. You can find someone to marry you as easily as you can buy a plow and a barrel of lard.

2. The way to a man’s heart is through cooking really good stew and sassing him when he wants to put ketchup on it.

3. Make sure you finish your chores before you go get married.

4. If you’re mad at your man, make him sit in a tree and sing to him. Then everything will be grand.

5. If you want girls to think you’re beautiful, shave.

6. If you want to teach a man to dance, just sing the instructions to him. He’ll get it in no time.

7. To get a girl, beat up all the other guys.

8. Witch hazel is not an effective cure for love.

9. Love is like the measles.

10. Dancing with an axe is a safe and effective way to deal with your love-sickness.*

11. If you ever need to get your point across in a really effective way, punch someone in the face.

12. If your father won’t let you marry the man you want to, pretend someone else’s baby is yours.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got for now. Take my sage advice and run with it.

*This post is in no way endorsing unsafe axe handling.