More Life Lessons: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Last Sunday was my friend’s birthday so we watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty on Saturday. Makes a lot of sense, I know. But we have our reasons.

So, as is a very bad habit, I made a list of life lessons. They were supposed to be funny, but then I had a headache so, as Kaitlyn pointed out, some of them really just weren’t.

It’s also a really long list. Mostly about wallet etiquette.

1. If you’re in love with someone, don’t talk to them. Make an account on eHarmony and wink at them.

2. If you lose a picture, go to Greenland.

3. Greenland is a great place to find a thumb.

4. Don’t cheat on your lady if you live on an island that only has 8 people on it.

5. It’s okay to fly in a helicopter with a drunk pilot if the woman you love sings to you first.

6. It’s not a porpoise. It’s never a porpoise.

7. If you’re going to be eaten by a shark, smack it in the face with your briefcase.

8. If there’s only one bike, you’d better be a really fast runner.

9. Don’t wreck the bike you just ran for into a sign; you’ll just have to run again.

10. Always carry a Stretch Armstrong with you so you can trade it for a long board when you get tired of running.

11. Apparently, long boarding is the best way to get around Iceland.

12. You can’t actually outrun a volcano. And The Eagles don’t usually come to swoop you to safety. It’s mostly just guys in funny, little cars.

13. Papa Johns is everywhere. Even in Iceland.

14. Even after you’ve been fired, protect your fern from the evil moving people.

15. If her ex answers the door, don’t assume. It’ll make things more painful for you. He may only be there to fix the fridge.

16. Don’t throw away your wallet.

17. If you’re ever looking for someone, he was probably in your house a week ago.

18. Don’t zone out. You’ll miss vital information.

19. If you need warlords on your side, take cake.

20. Make good oxygen choices.

21. The missing photo will be in the wallet. That’s why you shouldn’t throw it away.

22. Your hero’s still a human.

23. If you ever need to find someone, ask your mom.

24. Don’t forget your fife in your back pocket when you go through airport security.

25. Life is best discussed over Cinnabon. Or just, you know, food.

26. Sometimes it’s good to have a hoarder for a mom. She might save the wallet you threw away.

27. When everything seems like it’s over and the love of your life is lost, make sure you run after her when you see her on the escalator. It’s not like you’ve got anything to lose.

28. If your sister gets the part of Rizzo in Grease, use it to ask out the love of your life.

29. Just hold her hand.

Bonus quote: “Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.”

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Cry Me A River

I always bawl like a baby when I chop onions. It’s an excruciatingly painful experience for me. So, tonight, instead of studying for my nutrition test like I really need to, I decided to look up ways to painlessly chop up onions. I’ve compiled a list so I’ll never have to go searching again.

This is kind of nutrition-y, right? Onions are food.

1. Don’t be afraid of a few tears.

Consider them a bonding experience. As you murder it by chopping it into tiny pieces. You know, bad idea. Avoid tears at all costs.

2. New idea – Don’t get attached.

This includes naming it. Naming something = attaching yourself to it.

3. Wear a motorcycle helmet. Those babies are airtight.

And they make your head sweat, which makes your hair stick to your skull, which makes you look very unattractive as you take it off. No attractive motorcycle riding/helmet taking off for this girl.

4. Don’t listen to its insults.

It doesn’t know your life. It doesn’t know who you are. It doesn’t know where you’ve been.

5. Get the cutting board wet before you chop into its flesh.

Real true advice that works.

6. Wear a gas mask.

Then wander around asking everyone, “Are you my mummy?” Then, everyone else will cry, and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself.

7. Whistle while you work.

That’s what Google said to do. I’m pretty sure Google’s just trying to make people look dumb. Or they’re trying to get some free publicity for those dwarves. Or they think whistling’s cool. I think whistling’s cool. But I don’t do it very well. That’s why I would look dumb. Google also said to watch out because knives are sharp. Man. I wish they’d told me that sooner.

8. Stick a piece of white bread in your mouth while cutting.

No joke. That is a real tip. I’m totally okay with it, though. I really like eating bread, so I’ll just use this as a new excuse and om nom nom away while I’m chopping on onions.

9. Onion goggles.

Who even knew these creatures existed?

 

See this person on the left (Is that a man or a woman? I really can’t tell. At all. I’m sorry random citizen.)? Random Citizen is obviously mocking this poor weeping man because he’s not wearing  swimming goggle onion goggles like it is.

Poor man. He does not deserve this mocking. He’s just trying to chop up an onion so he can make delicious food. Why is Random Citizen tearing him down like this?

10. Get someone else to do it.

Seriously. Best. Idea. Ever. This is what I do all the time. Because Mary’s not as soft-hearted as I am. She just chops them right up. I spend some time weeping over their poor, lifeless body first.

Now, NUTRITION THINGS!!!!

Farting Fleas: Fact or Fiction

Sometimes I get to wondering things. Sometimes, they’re important things that will change the world so I like to share them with everyone. Internet and Beautiful Six People Who Read My Blog, I’m sharing my wondering with you. Because I’m just a great friend like that.

My text to Daniel: Would you think that a baby burp and a flea’s fart were comparable?

Daniel’s reply: Not really. Why do you ask?

My reply: I was laying (lying?) in bed this morning, wondering, and I couldn’t come up with a definitive answer so I decided to get a second opinion.

His reply: You wonder some very excellently odd things. (Thanks, Daniel. That makes me feel special. Most people don’t understand.)

My reply several hours later: Oh my word. Do fleas even fart?

His reply: I don’t know. Kangaroos don’t. (Fat lot of help you are, Daniel. But I really approve of the kangaroo part.)

That was yesterday. This morning, I woke up with the question still running around in my head. So, obviously, I decided to ask someone else.

Me: Mary, do you think fleas fart?

Mary: Do I think we should start…

Me: No, do you think fleas fart? Kangaroos don’t.

Mary: I don’t know. But I like to think of myself as a kangaroo.

Me: That’s a lie.

Mary: True… I’M A FARTING MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!

So, I Googled it (obviously!). These are the results…

Yes, fleas have digestive systems and produce feces, so it can be assumed that there is bacteria in their digestive system that produces methane which results in farts.

Yes it can. Wait… Why do you want to know, and why did I tell you… and WHY!

Scientists have never found that fleas have the capability to fart.

I don’t know. But farts suffocate fleas.

See? No one knows. I’ll never know. Now I’m a little sad.