I tried to make jello a while ago.
It was while I was still in school, and it was so traumatic, I’m just now able to write about it.
Also, it’s kind of sad to learn that there’s one more thing in this world that I’m just not capable of doing like a normal human being.
I was super sick and the only thing I had kept down for the past three days was water and gatorade.
Looking back, I was severely dehydrated and a little malnourished, and I probably should have gone to the hospital or a clinic for IV fluids. Unfortunately, I don’t think things through very well when I’m sick.
So, I was shaky and gross, and I don’t know why I thought jello would be a good idea, but it just sounded so delicious to my addled brain.
Twin had left me for the day to go to class (I was most definitely not going to class because I have a strong aversion to throwing up on peoples’ heads), and I guess I was hungry. I don’t usually question my motives when I’m sick.
This is also why, when I’m sick, I tend to say and do really weird things on accident. There’s just no reasoning with myself. It can be a real problem.
But I knew I wanted jello, and I decided not to ask questions.
I pulled myself out from under the couch (I have no clue what I was doing under there), and kind of crawled to the kitchen.
I think Twin had gone shopping for me and gotten me some jello. That’s the only thing I can think of that would explain the sudden appearance of strawberry jello in our kitchen. Usually, we don’t keep those little boxes of the stuff on hand.
I pulled the little box off the counter and sat back down in the floor, trying to read the instructions.
Note to future self – they print the instructions on the back. There is no need to take a knife to the box. Yet.
When I saw, “bring x-amount of water to a boil,” I knew I was going to have problems.
When I was having trouble opening the packet containing the jello powder, I figured this would be the hardest thing was going to do that day.
When I realized I really shouldn’t have opened the packet of powder yet, I almost gave up.
But my hungry stomach urged me on.
I got the water boiling, dumped the powder in a plastic bowl, and sat back down on the floor to wait.
And then I fell asleep.
Don’t fall asleep when you’re boiling water. It’ll just keep boiling for forever until all the water is gone, and then you’ll burn the pot and it’ll be a giant mess to clean. Or the pot will explode and your house will burn down and you won’t have to worry about it.
I woke up to the funny smell of burning metal pot, and frantically jumped up to grab the pot and put more water in it.
Burning pots get really hot.
And, when you burn your fingers, they tend to let go of whatever you’re holding.
And then the burning pot will smash down on your toes.
And your toes will get smashed and burned.
And then you’ll get really dizzy because you just woke up and you’re sick and you probably shouldn’t be boiling water.
But my stomach growled loudly and reminded me that I was hungry.
So, I picked the pot up, filled it with water again, and set it back down to boil.
This time, I stared at it for 37 hours until it actually boiled, and I didn’t fall asleep.
After it boiled, I carefully picked it up and dumped the water into the jello powder.
And burned my hand on the steam.
And dropped the pot.
This time, I just left it sitting on the ground (because that’s obviously where it wanted to be) and stirred in my jello powder.
When it was all stirred up, I went to take a nap.
And I woke up an hour later and remembered that the jello was supposed to go in the fridge.
I pulled myself out from under the coffee table (I don’t know how I got under there. I promise I started on the couch.) and stumbled over to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.
Then I went to sleep again.
I woke up when Twin came walking in from her classes and shook me awake.
“What are you doing sleeping on the kitchen floor and why are you holding that pot?”
“I made jello,” I mumbled.
She knows me well. I showed her my hands and toes, and she got me some ice.
And the jello was edible. I guess. I don’t think it’s supposed to be lumpy.