I have a plan. (Please read this as though I’m Rapunzel singing, “I’ve got a dreeeeaaaaammmmmm!!!!!!!!” It’s the same feeling.)
I’ve decided I’m going to be completely open with the world and lay out my plans. This way, when they come to fruition, my first speech from my new position can be, “See!!! I told you so!”
It’ll be so satisfying. My fabulous hair will contribute to that feeling.
So, here goes –
I’m going to become the benevolent dictator of the world.
Please stop laughing at me.
And you! Yes, you. You know I’m talking about you. Stop looking so concerned. I said “benevolent” for a reason.
Maybe you should all be very concerned.
Ooh! So much mystery!
Really though, my plan is to totally take over the world. All of it. And then I’ll declare myself the Ruler of the Known and Unknown Universe.
My full title that will have to read at all state events will be Katie, Ruler of the Known and Unknown Universe, Benevolent Dictator of All of Earth, Queen of All Those Other Less-significant Planets, Protector of the Small, Slayer of Very Small, Non-fire-breathing Dragons, Planter of Gardens, Killer of Plants, Eater of Food, The Great, The Wonderful, The Best Ever Created.
There will be a lot of state events.
I will have a unique legal system. I have already begun to implement it. I will give out points for good behavior and remove points for bad behavior. I alone will be allowed to bestow and remove points.
If you have a certain number of points (a number yet to be determined), you will be allowed to live another year. If your number of points drops below a certain point, you will be removed from Earth.
I have yet to determine which planet these people will be removed to, but, suffice to say, the planet will probably suffer because most of its inhabitants will have terrible fashion sense.
Until people can safely fly around the stars on pleasure cruises, we will use a giant catapult to fling awful people into space and hope they hit the target planet. All people being flung will be equipped with a goldfish bowl for a helmet and cheez-its for in-flight snacks.
I will fully fund the space program. I want to be able to explore my domain. And I want to have a summer home on a star that’s not the Sun.
And I will declare Pluto a planet again. The poor creature’s been abused for too long. Don’t worry, Pluto. I still believe.
I will support the arts, but I will not support terrible plays/movies, confusing paintings, and gross music. Those who produce such things will be removed. Immediately.
There are a lot of people who are going to have to either change jobs or go visit another planet.
There will be no more war, because I will rule everything, and I don’t usually fight with myself. Usually.
Also, no one will want to rebel because I’ll create awesome, mandatory holidays like Cookie Day, which will keep everyone so happy.
And I’ll be giving all the people I don’t like a free ride on my Space Catapult very early in the game.
People will be encouraged to sing and dance about their feelings. This will create harmony (sometimes quite literally) and an amazing ability to improvise dances.
I will always be completely honest with my loyal subjects, and I won’t spend ridiculous amounts of money on things like clothes because I only wear jeans and t-shirts. And I loathe pants.
I will also declare that it is perfectly acceptable to go places barefoot. Now, it’s not always healthy, but everyone knows toes just love to breath without being cramped up in foot-jail all day.
There are times shoes will be necessary. Those places will be posted as shoe-wearing zones.
And you better follow the postings or you’ll be removed (think: the space catapult).
These are the very basics of my plans. I’m always happy to answer questions about this subject like “Are we all going to die?” and “Are you an evil genius?” and “Where have you been all my life?”
If you have any thoughts or concerns, please feel free to ask. I’ll do my best to answer when I can. I take my future position very seriously and would appreciate it if you would too.
Good night. And I can’t wait to say, “Told you so!!!”